I want to write a quick post to catch up with myself, and also with you guys.
I can’t really place a name to this thing I’ve been feeling lately. I’m 70% sure I’m not in another depressive episode, at least not chronically, but my mood has been fluctuating so much, which has seriously affected my work ethic. I find myself most days napping it away when I have plenty of work to do. Consequently, I am working late into the night to catch up. It’s a horrible, vicious cycle, but I’ve almost got addicted to it. Concerned is an understatement. At the moment, I am still on track. My works are all at a good standard and I’m doing well on my tests, though I’m fearful for the long-term effects. Usually, I get quite a big surge of happiness when I do get very positive feedback on my work, but I’ve not been feeling it. Nah. It feels more and more like homework rather than a joyful experience to learn, which is very disheartening for me. I’ve not had time at all to speak to my counsellor, and to be honest, I really need to. The whole concept seems quite foreign to me now that I haven’t been for so long. The last time I went, I found nothing helpful except another way for me to vent when I really need something constructive. Sigh.
I’m in a rather confusing state of mind right now. Nothing about my future is certain, and it’s getting to a stage where I am more bothered about the lack of certainty than the actual outcome of my university application. You could say I’m bored with this stage of my progress, and I am very keen to move on past this ordeal. It’s been hard, both physically and mentally. I feel very disenchanted with life, and very uninterested in everything that is not UCAS or the student room or napping. It’s why I’ve been away for so long and will continue to do so. I’ve lost the charm of writing; I don’t feel like reading; everything is a chore and bothersome, especially social interaction, and especially with one person in particular. Sigh.
I’m worried. About everything. I’m not happy. I don’t like this. I realise now, in retrospect, that I should have dealt with some things that I casted aside as I was so new to the whole process, and I still don’t really know what to do, which means it drifts back at the most random and unexpected times. Sigh.
I’m currently listening to Taylor Swift’s ‘Speak Now’, and feeling so nostalgic. I miss the days when I … I miss the days.
I recently stumbled on a piece of prose/poetry that was a list of things to keep going, I can’t really remember it. I only remember the last point.
Keep waking up.
Keep waking up. It’s the only thing I’m managing successfully right now. Some of the time.
Apologies for this disjointed mess.