It’s been a while. I moved to a whole different city to live on my own. Hopefully, you understand why I have been so absent.
I still don’t know what it means to be ‘grown up’ or associate oneself with the word ‘adult’, and I’m a bit terrified to say that I’m getting there, bit by bit. I’m not yet used to eating vegetables voluntarily or forcing myself to exercise or paying rent, but I think these are all signs of maturing, though this only reminds me of cheese, and I cannot yet imagine a block of cheese eating vegetables or exercising or paying rent.
The thought of change still sends shivers down my spine, but it’s definitely hard to live in denial when everything has changed. I lie in my bed and hear noises and think it’s my parents walking, though it most definitely is not. It shatters my heart when I call this foreign space ‘home’ when it is the opposite; I am living in a room that meets the bare minimum of standards and I do not want to be associated with this room more than necessary.
I remember thinking I never understood the meaning of the phrase ‘a big fish in a small pond’, but I understand it now: as a big fish in a small pond, I was comfortable with the knowledge that I knew all there was available to me, and though I wanted to explore more of the world, the change threatened to shake everything I knew then – the big fish was reluctant to leave though it was slowly suffocating; the big fish was scared of being a small fish in a big pond but I’ve now realised it doesn’t need to work that way, as a big fish in a big pond – there will always be bigger fishes and bigger ponds, but this does not erase nor diminish my size. I am still as worthy a fish as I was before even if it appears to be different.
If there is one thing I learnt through philosophy, it’s to never use definitive words in your writing but rather question the subject to leave room for uncertainty. Thus, I have decided to question whether the small fish needs to feel the negativity of the big pond, or if it could learn to embrace the openness, and I’m sure if this big pond was a pond version of London with its constant activity and mind dazzling diversity, it wouldn’t feel so intimidated. They never feel so big when you actually get there.
This, Gillian, is how I became (slightly) okay with change.