1.

Dearest Gillian,

It’s been a while. I moved to a whole different city to live on my own. Hopefully, you understand why I have been so absent.

I still don’t know what it means to be ‘grown up’ or associate oneself with the word ‘adult’, and I’m a bit terrified to say that I’m getting there, bit by bit. I’m not yet used to eating vegetables voluntarily or forcing myself to exercise or paying rent, but I think these are all signs of maturing, though this only reminds me of cheese, and I cannot yet imagine a block of cheese eating vegetables or exercising or paying rent.

The thought of change still sends shivers down my spine, but it’s definitely hard to live in denial when everything has changed. I lie in my bed and hear noises and think it’s my parents walking, though it most definitely is not. It shatters my heart when I call this foreign space ‘home’ when it is the opposite; I am living in a room that meets the bare minimum of standards and I do not want to be associated with this room more than necessary.

I remember thinking I never understood the meaning of the phrase ‘a big fish in a small pond’, but I understand it now: as a big fish in a small pond, I was comfortable with the knowledge that I knew all there was available to me, and though I wanted to explore more of the world, the change threatened to shake everything I knew then – the big fish was reluctant to leave though it was slowly suffocating; the big fish was scared of being a small fish in a big pond but I’ve now realised it doesn’t need to work that way, as a big fish in a big pond – there will always be bigger fishes and bigger ponds, but this does not erase nor diminish my size. I am still as worthy a fish as I was before even if it appears to be different.

If there is one thing I learnt through philosophy, it’s to never use definitive words in your writing but rather question the subject to leave room for uncertainty. Thus, I have decided to question whether the small fish needs to feel the negativity of the big pond, or if it could learn to embrace the openness, and I’m sure if this big pond was a pond version of London with its constant activity and mind dazzling diversity, it wouldn’t feel so intimidated. They never feel so big when you actually get there.

This, Gillian, is how I became (slightly) okay with change.

Best,
Annie

Song of the Day

The storms are raging on the rolling sea,
and on the highway of regret. 
The winds of change are blowing wild and free, 
you ain't see nothing like me yet.

Well well well, today I have officially finished A level philosophy and I can’t express how glad I am. This might be one of the hardest things I have ever done as the analytical and evaluation skills are required to such a high quality and trying to remain sane when doing that is not so easy, especially for someone who struggles with English on a daily basis. I know I had good grades in GCSE English, but as Hume says, you cannot use that as sound evidence for my achievement in future circumstances. Nevertheless, this song is dedicated to whomever marks my paper: I apologise for my shoddy handwriting (especially on those last two paragraphs) and to make you feel my love in hopes that you will give me the grade I need to go to university. PLEASE.

Song of the Day

As your skin gets thicker,
as you try to figure what's it all about. 

Life passes you by, 
don't waste your time on your own. 

One day it's here and then it's gone.

Well well well. Long time no see dear readers. I can only apologise, but I honestly felt no urge to write. The only reason I’m back is because I have been dying to update this blog with just something, and also because going through the wordpress app brought to attention some drafts that I didn’t hate that much.

I finished college today, I am a mixed bag of emotions. I am about to explode. I am going to publish that poem and mull over my thoughts in bed.

I was so ready to write an essay but I’m so tired. So tired.

 

Sad Song, Sadder Words

I wanted to hear your voice on the
nights with the lone moon for company,
but instead I have stuttered hellos,
with the sort of silence that
reverberates down your spine, and
settles in the place where
my hands used to call home.

I think if my heart could,
it’d beat out the words of our song.
We created our own language with
lingering touches and glancing looks
thinking it was more than enough.
Our song is more endings than beginnings.
The bridge could never save us from the flood.

Sometimes the lyrics are important,
this is what I learnt.

Song of the Day

I'll come back swinging

Ahh dear readers, what a day it has been. Roughly 2 hours ago, I received my offer to study Medicine at Barts and the London, and I can’t describe the feeling. I feel so light and so weightless. My future is more or less certain now and I’ve never felt so glad to be alive.

If there is one thing I have learned today, it’s to not give up. Don’t ever give up. What doesn’t kill you makes you emotionally unstable and a bit traumatised, but eventually stronger. Trust me on this.

A good day to you all.

Sigh

I want to write a quick post to catch up with myself, and also with you guys.

I can’t really place a name to this thing I’ve been feeling lately. I’m 70% sure I’m not in another depressive episode, at least not chronically, but my mood has been fluctuating so much, which has seriously affected my work ethic. I find myself most days napping it away when I have plenty of work to do. Consequently, I am working late into the night to catch up. It’s a horrible, vicious cycle, but I’ve almost got addicted to it. Concerned is an understatement. At the moment, I am still on track. My works are all at a good standard and I’m doing well on my tests, though I’m fearful for the long-term effects. Usually, I get quite a big surge of happiness when I do get very positive feedback on my work, but I’ve not been feeling it. Nah. It feels more and more like homework rather than a joyful experience to learn, which is very disheartening for me. I’ve not had time at all to speak to my counsellor, and to be honest, I really need to. The whole concept seems quite foreign to me now that I haven’t been for so long. The last time I went, I found nothing helpful except another way for me to vent when I really need something constructive. Sigh.

I’m in a rather confusing state of mind right now. Nothing about my future is certain, and it’s getting to a stage where I am more bothered about the lack of certainty than the actual outcome of my university application. You could say I’m bored with this stage of my progress, and I am very keen to move on past this ordeal. It’s been hard, both physically and mentally. I feel very disenchanted with life, and very uninterested in everything that is not UCAS or the student room or napping. It’s why I’ve been away for so long and will continue to do so. I’ve lost the charm of writing; I don’t feel like reading; everything is a chore and bothersome, especially social interaction, and especially with one person in particular. Sigh.

I’m worried. About everything. I’m not happy. I don’t like this. I realise now, in retrospect, that I should have dealt with some things that I casted aside as I was so new to the whole process, and I still don’t really know what to do, which means it drifts back at the most random and unexpected times. Sigh.

I’m currently listening to Taylor Swift’s ‘Speak Now’, and feeling so nostalgic. I miss the days when I … I miss the days.

I recently stumbled on a piece of prose/poetry that was a list of things to keep going, I can’t really remember it. I only remember the last point.

Keep waking up.

Keep waking up. It’s the only thing I’m managing successfully right now. Some of the time.

Apologies for this disjointed mess.