Sad Song, Sadder Words

I wanted to hear your voice on the
nights with the lone moon for company,
but instead I have stuttered hellos,
with the sort of silence that
reverberates down your spine, and
settles in the place where
my hands used to call home.

I think if my heart could,
it’d beat out the words of our song.
We created our own language with
lingering touches and glancing looks
thinking it was more than enough.
Our song is more endings than beginnings.
The bridge could never save us from the flood.

Sometimes the lyrics are important,
this is what I learnt.

Song of the Day

I'll come back swinging

Ahh dear readers, what a day it has been. Roughly 2 hours ago, I received my offer to study Medicine at Barts and the London, and I can’t describe the feeling. I feel so light and so weightless. My future is more or less certain now and I’ve never felt so glad to be alive.

If there is one thing I have learned today, it’s to not give up. Don’t ever give up. What doesn’t kill you makes you emotionally unstable and a bit traumatised, but eventually stronger. Trust me on this.

A good day to you all.

Sigh

I want to write a quick post to catch up with myself, and also with you guys.

I can’t really place a name to this thing I’ve been feeling lately. I’m 70% sure I’m not in another depressive episode, at least not chronically, but my mood has been fluctuating so much, which has seriously affected my work ethic. I find myself most days napping it away when I have plenty of work to do. Consequently, I am working late into the night to catch up. It’s a horrible, vicious cycle, but I’ve almost got addicted to it. Concerned is an understatement. At the moment, I am still on track. My works are all at a good standard and I’m doing well on my tests, though I’m fearful for the long-term effects. Usually, I get quite a big surge of happiness when I do get very positive feedback on my work, but I’ve not been feeling it. Nah. It feels more and more like homework rather than a joyful experience to learn, which is very disheartening for me. I’ve not had time at all to speak to my counsellor, and to be honest, I really need to. The whole concept seems quite foreign to me now that I haven’t been for so long. The last time I went, I found nothing helpful except another way for me to vent when I really need something constructive. Sigh.

I’m in a rather confusing state of mind right now. Nothing about my future is certain, and it’s getting to a stage where I am more bothered about the lack of certainty than the actual outcome of my university application. You could say I’m bored with this stage of my progress, and I am very keen to move on past this ordeal. It’s been hard, both physically and mentally. I feel very disenchanted with life, and very uninterested in everything that is not UCAS or the student room or napping. It’s why I’ve been away for so long and will continue to do so. I’ve lost the charm of writing; I don’t feel like reading; everything is a chore and bothersome, especially social interaction, and especially with one person in particular. Sigh.

I’m worried. About everything. I’m not happy. I don’t like this. I realise now, in retrospect, that I should have dealt with some things that I casted aside as I was so new to the whole process, and I still don’t really know what to do, which means it drifts back at the most random and unexpected times. Sigh.

I’m currently listening to Taylor Swift’s ‘Speak Now’, and feeling so nostalgic. I miss the days when I … I miss the days.

I recently stumbled on a piece of prose/poetry that was a list of things to keep going, I can’t really remember it. I only remember the last point.

Keep waking up.

Keep waking up. It’s the only thing I’m managing successfully right now. Some of the time.

Apologies for this disjointed mess.

Interlude

Interlude

I believe that unfortunately I will be taking another short hiatus from this blog. If you have been reading the tags of my latest poems, you’ll know that my mind really has been everywhere, and this slow breakdown has been inevitable. I can’t begin to describe the ridiculous roller coaster I’ve been through these past few weeks, but the important things have all gone and past, so I shall now attempt at the cleanup. I will leave you with this incredible poem that has not been able to leave my mind, and rather perfectly describes how I am feeling in a multitude of ways. Thank you for sticking by me for so long, hopefully I’ll get back to myself soon to write more crappy poetry. Off ahead to tea, sad poems, copious amounts of chemistry, and music with made up words (cough, Bon Iver, cough). Hope you are all well.

Credit to R.I.D for her image and words. (x)

Mr & Mrs Runaway

i.
The 2am ride,
rattling against the tracks,
she slipped it in.
Better, she murmured.

ii.
Not enough,
he whispered into her collarbone.

iii.
He promised to love
until death do us part, she
shivered as they kissed.

iv.
It’s fruitless they say,
the runaway never stops,
not even for the blood trailing their steps.

v.
Was it worth it?
Probably not. But then again,
is anything worth it?

Song of the Day

And it'll be love love love all through our bodies,
and love love love all through our minds,
and it be Love love love all over her face,
and Love love love all over mine. 

Although maybe all these moments are just in my head,
I'll be thinking about them as I'm lying in bed,
and all that I believe, it might not even come true
but in my mind I'm having a pretty good time with you.

In five years time I might not know you,
in five years time we might not speak,
in five years time we might not get along,
in five years time you might just prove me wrong.